Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
