I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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