Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
