pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
