It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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