My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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