apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize