I got chris browned last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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