I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
