I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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