And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
