There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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