M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize