Pants 0. Shit 1.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
