eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
