Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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