I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
