Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
false alarm, still single
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
