My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Blood and glitter go together right?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
