You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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