When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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