It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
