glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
