my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
