for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
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I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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