Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
