I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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