Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
