i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
