This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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