If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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