You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
