Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
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I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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