Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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