I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
