If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
