Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
