I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
