the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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