I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
