If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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