Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
