Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
