The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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