My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
