I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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