I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
