I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dear god my vagina.
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