I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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