My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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