I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you win again, gameday.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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