Apparently you make a good broom.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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