my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
