So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
