The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
