But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
