Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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