if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
