When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize